Where you kind of realize that starting over is just a part of the big chain of events. Jump to where you accept that sometimes you need an extra incentive, a push, an excuse, one might call it. And this is it. A new year, another fresh start. A new to-do list.
Your list may consist of pretty much one thing.
'Find out the place you're good at'.
You, you've spent endless days repetitively obsessing about the possibility of your not being good at anything. Of being essentially useless. Of being average.
How do you find what you're good at? How do you know you're good enough?
Right here, the whole problem with this is that you've never really tried. Tried tried.
You don't sympathize with yourself at all, about this naivete you seem to have become aware of, but you somehow got it into your head that people are born being good at things. When the thing is, people are not. Nobody's born writing music. Nobody's born solving everlasting math equations. Nobody's born reciting Shakespeare or understanding quantum mechanics.
The thing is, it takes some work to make it work. And actually, it takes shit loads of work and tears and nights spent sleeping on friends' couches because your dreams don't pay the rent.
The only reason why people don't make it is because they've got it all wrong.
Old Parmenides had it right - Ex Nihilo Nihil Fit. Nothing comes from nothing.
You keep expecting your talent to blossom. You keep expecting You don't even know what, being some genius late bloomer, the next equivalent of Chopin in whatever, wasting your youth here, doing what you don't like, being someone you're not and blaming everybody else but yourself.
And you feel so fucking small. You don't know where to start and you don't know which way to go.
And this is it. This is what your 'new start' is going to be about.
You're going to stop, stop, waiting for stuff to just happen.
You're going to get out there and live.
Have a happy year.
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4 comments:
I know I shouldn't be one to speak about finding one's self (God only knows where the fuck I'm at!) BUT I guess the best realization that ever crossed my little pea-brain is to not neccessarily look for what you're good at, just find out what makes you happy and do it. Preferably repeatedly :) Much love xx..
Definitely. I guess finding out that I'm really good at something would make me really really happy. I just want to know that I'm doing something with myself and stop feeling so perpetually confused... I guess though, no matter what you're doing, you're always going to doubt yourself at some point. Am I making sense here, at all? Love back xxx
Yeah true, feeling good at something does make you happy - temporarily, until you get to thee next challenge you cannot master. But we need to stop validating ourselves by how much we can do, and just be happy with ourselves and what we are; whether or not what we are actually makes sense hehe. I guess in the end it's all about perception: whether we let the doubt take over, or just accept it as part of life. Do I make sense this time round hehe?
I don't believe being good at something is temporary happiness. Challenge is the spice of life and if you only do what you think you can do, you'll never do much. Would you still be happy if you found out you were essentially useless? What would that make you? Who would that make you? What you do is a big part of who you are. And how you do it validates your opinion about yourself. You don't need to do a bunch of stuff... you just need to be good at something. Everybody has to be good at something, right? There are so many ways you could look at this argument from. This is what keeps me in a perpetual state of frustration.
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