In desperation, I write this in this cold, electronic device, reading my words off of a glaring screen, because there is no one to listen.
My whole life, it feels like I'm going nowhere. And maybe I'm not trying hard enough, but I have no idea what to do. I feel small and need directions. It is not really enough to know your place in life, even if that alone is a rarity. You have to know how to get there.
And how I feel like is like I've been trying, all this time, to win a fight underwater. No matter how hard you try, you can never punch what you're aiming for.
And God, it's so exhausting, just deciding what you want, that by the time you do decide, you've got no strength left to act it out. Passion is dwindling out and I'mOnlyTwentyOneYearsOldForFuck'sSake!
I crave forgetfulness. I pine for oblivion. What I need is constant distraction, because facing the shit is really not working. And fleeing only takes you as far as where you've started out from. Back to the start, over and over and over again.
In envy, I read and re-read the verses that Alexander Pope wrote in his poem 'Eloisa to Abelard':
" The world forgetting, by the world forgot.
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd. "
About Me
- Strawberry Daiquiri
- I'm a logophile with a latent talent for Foot in Mouth Disorder. I have a fetish for glitter which I never wear. I love reading book titles (and their contents), wearing costumes, playing music, looking at paintings, taking off abruptly and experiencing life, living places and meeting people. I live high, I dream big and I pursue happiness.
3 comments:
I honestly wish that had more answers than I do. At 26 years old I've been through my fair share of suffering. The thing is I've always known what I wanted and where I wanted to be. I realize some people don't.... Maybe that is why my passion refuses to falter.
What is it do you want from your life? What is it that makes you happy? Are these things worth the pain and struggle for?
I ask because sometimes our motivation (conscious or subconscious) for wanting and doing things can often prohibit us from living the dream/passion.
I think the problem with me is wanting too many things and not having enough patience.
And knowing where you want to be is not enough. It's knowing how to get there that counts and nobody can ever know that for sure.
I used to love the sense of freedom and adventure I used to get from winging it and not knowing what was going to happen, but suddenly I find myself craving some stability. I just don't want to turn out to be some sorry sack of crap :(
I wouldn't worry much about turning out to be a sorry sack of crap.
It is easier to dream about what you want then it is to get it... Even so one should never give up trying. Meeting people who have gotten to where you want to be might help. They can give you pointers, advice and help on "the getting" there.
At some point I think we all crave stability... Having continual change isn't always a good thing. Sometimes having something to hold onto when everything else is unstable can mean a lot.
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