Where I'm supposed to be studying.

All day and I have no idea what I've done. It's five in the evening here, the sky is a violently happy blue and the sun is making my skin blush. Theoretically. And I was supposed to be studying. Instead I wasted a day literally not doing anything, avoiding it. Might as well have done something I like. My exams are in less than a month and I've never felt so bad about this as I do now. I hate how the last bit is always the hardest. I'm absolutely fed up. I feel like horse riding and swimming and sleeping on the beach with sand down my pants and I feel like not giving a fuck. These past months have been unnecessarily stressful, and having spent the past three years not giving a shit about anything, re-starting to care is... tiring? It takes adjusting to. It feels frustrating. This is what I'm missing;

and this;

and this;
It feels good to be home, right now, and I'm looking forward to spending the summer here. I was supposed to go back to London in June to a NYFA film acting course, but the plan kind of fell out. Got postponed. I don't know. Every time my life seems to get some sort of direction, everything radically changes. So I decided to go half-way back to how I used to be. Make a general plan, and follow it through. Don't take it entirely too serious. Don't plan too many details.
And so that's it. Spend the summer here and then off to Florence in September for an insane mask-making course. Then London. Then... I don't know.

The point in this is... I think some people are meant to have everything mapped out. Of sorts. And some people aren't. I think it's easy for some people to know what they want, when what they want is something 'normal'. But I don't think I was ever cut out for normal. Sometimes I wish I were. Mostly, I'm very happy.

The point is, I'm supposed to be studying. But it doesn't look like it's going to happen. So I'm off enjoying the rays before they go to bed.