I fucking hate myself sometimes, honestly. And that's not something I do often, seeing that I'm completely full of shit and like to make believe I'm an awesome person. The point in fact is, I'm a sad, hopeless hypochondriac. Really really bad. It's not something constant, it happens only in bouts but when it does, it drives me and the people I'm close to, nuts. I'll randomly call up my mom freaking out about my wheezing, afraid that I'm gonna die, when asthma is something I've basically lived with for my whole life. On my last visit to my optician's, I asked him whether it's possible for my retina to deteriorate. I honestly have never seen a doctor laugh so hard at something a patient said and I'm not entirely sure that was very professional. I have blood tests almost every year.
It's absolutely pathetic. This only happens when I'm not OK. When I feel upset by something, or am in a long term situation that doesn't make me happy, I start freaking out. I start being scared that I'm going to die unhappy. Again. Pathetic. Because when I'm in coherent, I can see how entirely stupid this is.
I have to fucking get over this irrational phobia of mine.
And then start working on the rest... God...
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