Eh...

In my defense, it's freaking cold here. So what? It's 1:30 pm... and I'm leaning towards tipsy. But again, it's cold, I have a bottle of Cointreau on my computer table, practically begging me to open it up and I guess I got a little bit carried away. Meh. No big.
It's also kind of relaxing. Makes me temporarily forget that I have a shitload of papers I still haven't written and that My exams are in... 5 months. And I still haven't started studying. And my film acting course is right after that so I have to move out of the country. Again. And I have to look for places to live in. Again. And look for a job. Again.
God, I think I may need another shot.
I'm not in the least bit complaining, mind. I just haven't gotten down to actually doing anything about it, yet.
I'm so lazy. And this is not good. And I think I'd better stop talking now.
And calm a bit down. I got english in about two hours.
Go me!!!!

Sun Days

I'm too tired to sleep. I'm too tired to be pissed off at my being too tired to sleep. And I'm too tired to be pissed off at not even bothering to be pissed off. And so on and so forth.
And I don't mean tired in an existential kind of way, whatever that is. I mean, physically, really. I haven't been sleeping much and my mind is kind of sluggish. I have this annoying cough which comes up randomly, something I believe in having to do with my quitting smoking.
And all I can come up with is 'Meh' and shrug.
The beginning of the year is not very inspiring to anyone, I think. Ideas grow cold and everyone is lethargic.
I'm happy with having made at least one improvement. I have quit leaving the house looking like some body's cleaning lady. You'd be surprised at the wondrous effect fake lashes, blush and gloss have.
Well. This is how I plan on spending the rest of the day...
1) I will sit on the couch
2) I will switch on the t.v.
3) I will channel surf.
And that's it. Pretty much, yeah.

Note: This is not a complaint. Merely an observation.

On suicide.

What is it with suicide?
I'm not trying to be judgmental here. I'm just morbidly curious. How does their mind work, these people attempting suicide?
I've seen this up close. My grandfather basically spent his entire life trying to die. He suffered from chronic depression, and I remember him as either really high up or really, um, resigned? He was about sixty when he was 'finally' successful at his attempt. And then that was it: the minute he realized that he had made it happen, he wanted to undo it all back. He wanted to go back home.And he wanted to stay.
It was too late by then, whatever poison he had swallowed was shutting off his organs like candles in the rain. But the point is, I've never seen him fight to live as much as he did when he realized he way dying. Maybe he realized he was scared of dying too.
I don't know how it works with other people, but I hear this is very much the case with pretty much anyone who attempts suicide.
One of my mother's friend's husband hung himself in the garage. They later found scratch marks all over the wall, what I assume to be his last attempt to stay.
So I ask, how? Why? Why? Are these people so horribly depressed that they think there is nothing worth staying for anymore? Are they so scared to live that they choose to die instead? Because, paradoxically, that's quite a brave move, deciding to end it here and move forward when nobody really knows what's there to move forward to. If there is anything at all.
Or is it that they've gone so numb that they try to feel alive the only way the know how? Giving themselves the highest thrill?
Or maybe, is it that they need a reminder of their own mortality to help appreciate their life more?
Maybe it's just as simple as not knowing what to do with themselves?
This was all brought up by a friend absently saying she feels like killing herself sometimes. I know she didn't mean it literally, but I don't think the general public understands the severity of such a statement.
How can anyone be afraid to live yet not be afraid to die?

New Year's Resolutions.

A little bit belated, but I'm indulging in a hobby of mine: making lists ( and working them out)

1 Embrace a Hippie/Nomadic lifestyle - hasn't worked out very well before. I travel for months at a time yet somehow I still end up back here...

2 Move somewhere NEW - Somewhere I haven't been before. Preferably a new continent. Get a crazy new job at some vintage record store or a book shop. Wouldn't that be nice?

3 Sit for exams ( before moving ). After about four years of not studying, I feel like I want to start again. I like learning. As long as it's on my own time.

4 Buy a good digital camera. I want to play God and make my own universe in pictures, the way I see it.

5 Get a fucking driver's license. I want a bad ass car. I want a mustang 1969. With lots of shoes in the boot and comfortable seats to camp out on.

6 Do what you love to do and start up something new - I want to expand my soul.

7 Draw new dreams and work on your old ones :)

I'm so positive about this year. I can honestly say the last year was the best one of my life. Ever. Imma work to make this one even better.

Undefined.

You know that spur of the moment decisions? The ones where you do something without really thinking it through first? You know how you tend to do this really often, your whole life really, having people call you irrational? Impulsive?
Yeah... I finally quit my shit of a job. My sore throat suddenly disappeared and the need to run to the rest room every four point five minutes is no more. Your job can give you hell, you know? If it doesn't make you happy, then it can make you really, really unhappy.
The thing is, I now have no job whatsoever. Kind of liberating really. Until I think about having to pay my studies and my driving instructor and my deciding to insanely buy a ticket to Florence for next month.
And then the liberating feeling kind of dims. I still can't bring myself to feel panicked though. Panic is so overrated. And the idea of being jobless leaves me indifferent. How bad is that? I mean, I can't even feel excited about winging it like I used to. I guess you grow, huh? And I guess it's not really winging it. I guess winging it would be packing up and leaving for somewhere with a one way ticket.
Or maybe over time, you start needing something bigger to excite you...

BS

" When you want something, the whole universe conspires into helping you to achieve it".
That's Paulo Coelho. And that's a bunch of bullshit.
I'm so frustrated! I'm trying to find myself a job where I'm not required to talk to assholes all night. And I'm finding nothing. And if I do find something, my computer gets magically blocked. What the fuck is this shit?
Maybe I'm not being clear enough.
" Universe? Universe? Umm... I want a decent job, please? I want to be able to work during the day in a nice, professional enviroment and finally give myself a break from being sick all the time... Universe?..."
God. I need another coffee. I bloody hate being this emo, but shit! This is shit!

Invisible nooses and everything else.

Sometimes, I feel so stupid. No no, I often feel stupid. Sometimes, I can't figure out what's bothering me. I feel physically bad and then I realize I can't swallow. That knot you have when you're about to cry? Yeah. And the thing is I can't point out what's making me feel bad the worst. I can't understand why I fall into this all the time. Why is it so hard for me to feel good? Sometimes I think that hurt is my twisted idea of a comfort zone. I find myself following trains of thought I don't want to drown. Triggered by phrases or pictures or paintings or even music. I don't know why I find it so easy to assimilate with pain.
I ask myself questions that lead me nowhere because, right now? I don't have the power to change anything. Well no. I do. But I don't know, I don't really want to, it's not time for the change yet. In a couple of months, I'll be free again. Maybe the invisible noose around my throat will loosen up.
Why am I here? Why am I not happy yet don't do anything about it? Why do I accept people trying to change my soul? Why does everyone one want to break you and remould you?
Love and like, they're just words. Whatever is done conditionally is not real.
I feel like I need to leave and be by myself to save what I am. I'm not a bad person. Why does no one understand that we're not carbon copies? I don't understand.
It seems like I can't understand anything anymore.

Do you know where your life is?

Where you kind of realize that starting over is just a part of the big chain of events. Jump to where you accept that sometimes you need an extra incentive, a push, an excuse, one might call it. And this is it. A new year, another fresh start. A new to-do list.
Your list may consist of pretty much one thing.
'Find out the place you're good at'.
You, you've spent endless days repetitively obsessing about the possibility of your not being good at anything. Of being essentially useless. Of being average.
How do you find what you're good at? How do you know you're good enough?
Right here, the whole problem with this is that you've never really tried. Tried tried.
You don't sympathize with yourself at all, about this naivete you seem to have become aware of, but you somehow got it into your head that people are born being good at things. When the thing is, people are not. Nobody's born writing music. Nobody's born solving everlasting math equations. Nobody's born reciting Shakespeare or understanding quantum mechanics.
The thing is, it takes some work to make it work. And actually, it takes shit loads of work and tears and nights spent sleeping on friends' couches because your dreams don't pay the rent.
The only reason why people don't make it is because they've got it all wrong.
Old Parmenides had it right - Ex Nihilo Nihil Fit. Nothing comes from nothing.
You keep expecting your talent to blossom. You keep expecting You don't even know what, being some genius late bloomer, the next equivalent of Chopin in whatever, wasting your youth here, doing what you don't like, being someone you're not and blaming everybody else but yourself.
And you feel so fucking small. You don't know where to start and you don't know which way to go.
And this is it. This is what your 'new start' is going to be about.
You're going to stop, stop, waiting for stuff to just happen.
You're going to get out there and live.
Have a happy year.