Using this opportunity to develop a skill that really matters, I attempt to blow smoke rings with my Dunhills. I light one after the other after the other like it’s going out of style to smoke in a bar so full of thick smoke already that eye contact with anyone on the opposite end is virtually impossible.
Where I work, the only way to survive if you're female is to not smile back, so for the whole ten hours of my shift my face is one big scowl. And I'm so used to my being so friendly that this is actually incredibly liberating, my being a bitch.
When I feel like my lungs can't really take it anymore, I lean back in my seat and set about destroying as many square inches of cloth as I can with my thread pulling.
And all I can think about is how I really want to leave and go to Rome or maybe Paris. I can't even believe I'm saying this but what I really feel like is some normalcy. I want to work in a record store. Vintage, preferably. In some other continent, maybe. I'd tell people my name is Penny, wear my hair in pigtails and maybe I'll give myself an accent. Or maybe not. Even a library would do. Aa... I'd be the best, working in a library.
At this point some asshole comes to pay for one of the dancers and is waiting for his change and I smile, his change still in hand, and ask him whether he wants to tip the nice waitress. He nods and starts to say something but I turn my back to him quickly. Fifty euros in tips, oh so dazzling is my charm. Cue* eye roll.
But then I'm thinking when it comes to it, I only really like the idea of normalcy. Not that I've ever given it much of a chance...
Ugh. You stay awake all night and you start being really epiphanic, if that even counts as a word.
Maybe the whole point of this is that no matter where you are, it's never the right place. And no matter what you have , you always want something you believe to be better.
And I really don't know about living in the now all the time. My attention span is really not that long.
How long can you go on ignoring the bigger picture?
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