Spring

The air smells like honey already. The sky is cerulean and everything is light. The grass is an extra special green and I feel like I can do anything. I feel like I'm finally waking up.

Places, faces and things.

You kind of realize you're living the weird life when you start answering to names that aren't yours. Not really. I've had so many fake names I still answer to, leading to a lot of embarrassing situations where people just look at me weird and I can do nothing but shrug.
How many girls do you know of that have said " well, my real name is..." ?
And I don't know whether to be worried or amused. I'm leaning towards the latter.

That's all, really.

Quote of today.

" In the middle of a wrist's suicide slash-line, below the layered skin and above the pulse, there's an acupuncture point that says Get back to who you were meant to be .Your whole life, the skin on that place will stay closest to being a baby's skin, as close as you can get anymore to the way you started, the way you once thought you'd always be " - from Clown Girl by Monica Drake.

Action!

'Hot on Weapons' means the stunt weapons are ready to go, look like they're really shooting. 'Keep off the rails' means keeping off the camera-on-wheels tracks. 'A- Marker', 'Rolling', 'Technical rehearsal, keep first positions'... And at 5 you have to be at hair and make up. You barely have any time to have breakfast, trying to down as many coffees as you can before the make-up artist starts on your lips. Before hair people start spraying anything that can keep your back-combed- up do in place, right in your face. And then you have people leaning in, their faces in your groin, trying to hide your tattoos under layers of sticky concealers. You may be requested to let your pubic hair grow, having to be buck naked on a closed set of about fifty crew people/wardrobe and make-up people, some other thirty extras, about three main actors and a bunch of lights blaring down on you. You may be standing buck naked beneath a bathrobe which's been worn by God knows who before you, the producer telling you to act scared, perfectly normal, the camera zooming in on you, somebody holding a marker right in your face and 'Rolling!!!'.
This may go on for about twelve hours for days at a time, if you're unlucky. If you're lucky, you'll be doing this for the rest of your life, this safety bubble, where you're everybody else but yourself, protected from what's really going on in the universe around you, with people bringing you food when you feel like dying and looking pretty, sticky and sweaty, acting terrified for so long that when you leave the set, it only gets worse.
How do you know when everything falls into place? You know when you're worked for twelve hours straight and feel like you could go on for twelve more. You know when you feel turned off, like a switch, when the camera's not rolling any more, when there's no director telling you what to do, where to stand, how to act, anonymous hands pulling you in directions ' sweetie, look at him, move backwards, and turn'
This is me falling into place. like some pretty, complicated puzzle finally becoming a masterpiece.
This is what I want to do. Be in front of the camera. Have lines to deliver. Whatever.
I'll be whoever they want me to be.
I mean that.

Quello che la gente non dice.

Le cose più importanti sono le più difficili da dire. Sono quelle di cui ci si vergogna, poichè le parole le immiseriscono, le parole rimpiccioliscono cose che finchè erano nella vostra testa sembravano sconfinate, e le riducono a non più che a grandezza naturale quando vengono portate fuori. Le cose più importanti giacciono troppo vicine al punto dov’è sepolto il vostro cuore segreto. Come segnali lasciati per ritrovare un tesoro che i vostri nemici sarebbero felicissimi di portare via e potreste fare rivelazioni che vi costano per poi scoprire che la gente vi guarda strano, senza capire affatto quello che avete detto, senza capire perchè vi sembrava tanto importante da piangere quasi mentre lo dicevate. E’ una delle cose più difficili comunicare qualcosa che non richiede solo l’uso accurato delle parole, ma anche un’accuratezza di percezione che è al di là delle parole, e un sentimento, una sensazione di intimo contatto con una realtà.
Quando un pensiero rimane chiuso dentro non è per mancanza di uno che lo racconti ma per mancanza di un orecchio che sappia ascoltare.